Song titles seem to be the theme of the week here, so i'm going with it. Music is a big part of my life. I constantly need music playing in the background to help me not panic and think i'm about to die. I have been doing this for years, since I was a young teenager. Lately, i've been trying to phase out my dependency on music. My counselor says I need to. I argued that this wouldn't be helpful because then i'd just panic and be paralysed by fear all day.
Thing is, i'm already paralysed by fear all day. The music just stops me looking like an insane person and gives me something to think about. The reason I play the music is because it distracts me from thinking irrational panicky thoughts. So I need to stop this. I need to think my thoughts, and deal with them. That is; let them come into my head, and say; "FUCK OFF! YOU'RE IRRATIONAL!". Or something along those lines.
The last few months have been rough. I haven't been testing or taking my insulin nearly enough as I should be. But today, I tried to be brave. Yesterday, I fought off a panic attack before I got in the shower. I wanted to take a shower so badly, but my mother was across the street and I couldn't see her. I knew my blood sugar was high because I had a huge breakfast and didn't bolus, but that wasn't enough reassurance for me. But I fought it - I had the shower, took my time, and didn't panic.
Same this morning. I woke up and knew my Mother wasn't in the house. I calmly got dressed and calmly walked out to where I knew she would be in the street, but I didn't test my blood sugar. I was afraid that I wouldn't handle the number and that she'd abondoned me and i'd be all alone and i'd die. Or something. But I found her and when she wasn't looking, I tested.
For the rest of the day, I took very good care of my Diabetes. I tested, and even got in some exercise. It felt good. But as the day went on, the pressure was building and building. Long story short, after a tense fight between my sister, my mother and I, I felt like I was ready to blow.
I didn't care that it was 11pm at night. I slipped on my running shoes, unlocked the front door and bolted out the drive way, around the corner and across the street. I stopped outside a nearby pub to catch my breath. I must have been running only for about 3 minutes, but man I was sprinting. Running away from what I had left behind. The fear, the frustration, the irritation of my family.
I was running towards my wonderful friends, the world that is out there for me that I cannot seem to be brave enough to take the leap into. I want it so bad. But i'm stuck in this hole and I can't get out. The light from the local pub was the first bit of light I had seen since I left the house. I had my meter in my pocket, my glucose tabs, and my phone. Diabetes was still there. I left other crap behind. But you can't leave Diabetes behind, I thought to myself. So I sat down, in the middle of the road at 11pm at night, the only light around me was the spotlight from the top door of the pub, the night sky and the stars. This may seem crazy to you but as kids in Ireland, you're weird if you haven't laid down in the middle of a deserted road (That would be busy during the day) at night time. It's so peaceful, to lay down and just watch the stars.
So I did. I laid there. Gripped my phone tight. My heart pounding. I watched the stars through the branches and leaves of the trees over my head. It was not cold, there was no breeze. In that instant, I forgot about what I left behind. I was lost in a world where I was mourning and yet celebrating what I had lost before fear took over my life. I lay there like a starfish on the cool tarmac. Snippets of my life at different times were flashing through my mind while I started to control my breathing. The days of being in love and feeling invincible. Before I told my family I was gay and how my parents looked at me differently, they look at me awkwardly now. How I used to think if I lost my ex of 3 years that I would lose everything. Summers with my grandparents who have both passed on now. Days when our family was happy. When I wasn't a disappointment or a nuisance. When I didn't let Diabetes define me.
Then I imagined the life I could have, if I didn't have fear. I could have a whole new life in America. All of my friends are doing it. Going their separate ways. Getting jobs in the states. But i'm stuck here living at home with my parents because i'm too much of a wuss. I sometimes wonder, why do I have to depend on people? As a child I had nobody in my life that was constant and whom I could depend on. I managed fine by myself all those years. So why this now? Why am I waiting for somebody to hold my hand, and tell me it's going to be okay? Why can't I tell myself it's going to be okay? Why is it that I can support and tell the people I love that everything will be okay, but I can't tell myself that very same thing nor believe it?
I stood up and with a smile, walked back towards my house, in the pitch black, breathing in the fresh night air. I came to a farmers gate at the end of the lane before my house. I sat on it and stared into the pitch black field. Everything was dark. Until I noticed a light at the very far end of the field. It looked so beautiful. It was just a house or stable light or something. But I couldn't take my eyes off it. Then I looked up, and there was the most beautiful arrangement of stars I have ever seen in my life. It made me smile. It gave me hope for a future. That I can trust people that are in my life. That people come into your life for a reason. Things happen for a reason. It was an interesting way to end my night.
And now i'm sitting here writing this post with no pants on (Charli, Thomas, Carrie, Emma) will understand this. It feels good to have no pants on, you should try it sometime. Also - try waxing your legs. I feel mighty sexy. I don't know how to end this post. Other than for some reason, I can't stop smiling. I needed that run, that total randomness.
I'm so thankful for people that come into my life that make me feel like everything is going to be okay. You know who you are, and I love you dearly!